Comments on: You Hang Out With Friends? Don’t Be So Cliquish!

By: Sue

Sue — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 22:15:35 +0000

I used to think it was wierd that Mormons only hung out with Mormons - until I moved to Utah, where I have no non-mormon neighbors or colleagues. To find some non-mormon friends, I would really need to make an effort, and at this stage of my life, it just isn’t worth the effort (hard enough to get three toddlers dressed every day, let alone worry about diversifying my circle of friends. I’m just glad to have them, whoever they may be!) I do miss the diversity of thought and experience though. Although in my rapidly growing little town, almost everyone is from somewhere else, so there is a LITTLE diversity, even among the mormons…

By: Elisabeth

Elisabeth — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 18:49:53 +0000

Susan M - me, too. But Mormons themselves are kind of weird. Birds of a feather, as they say.

As for cliques/making friends, the transaction costs of finding and getting to know interesting people and then cultivating meaningful relationships with them are huge. It’s so much easier to hang out with people who live near you, and, obviously, with people with whom you share interests instead of never getting past the blah, blah, blah small talk.

So, it’s not necessarily about sizing people up and then affirmatively rejecting people who don’t fit your profile (which is what the people who feel left out might think), but it’s probably more about just kind of falling into relationships with people because it’s convenient.

Do we have an obligation to be best friends with everyone at Church? Nah. But I guess we do have an obligation to serve others and be nice to them. That said, I’ve found that some people at Church have more labor intensive definitions of what being “nice” to them is (i.e., inviting them over for dinner every Sunday, driving them to church, talking to you on the phone everday, cleaning their house, etc.).

By: Susan M

Susan M — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 08:07:59 +0000

I still think it’s weird that some Mormons only associate with other Mormons.

By: NFlanders

NFlanders — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 01:24:48 +0000

The Twelve Apostles are one of the most exclusive cliques around. Do you know they’ve never invited my to their Thursday meeting in the temple? Snobs.

By: Steve EM

Steve EM — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:13:59 +0000

Does BYU still have the low profile, bed hopper, doper, drinker clique? I heard they kick out less actives now, so I’m guessing people like I hanged w/ don’t go to BYU anymore.

So Rusty, do your Brooklyn friends bring their own beverages?

By: Geoff J

Geoff J — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 21:39:41 +0000

lol! Nice advice Don.

By: Eric Russell

Eric Russell — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 21:27:54 +0000

Exactly, Rusty. But you never hear anyone complaining about them, do you!

Did Christ have friends? Anytime you have a friend, it must – almost by virtue of the definition of friend – come at the expense of time and attention towards others. I imagine Christ probably got accusations of cliquishness. Perhaps because of his friendship with his disciples, or the family of Mary, Martha and Lazarus.

By: don

don — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 21:23:30 +0000

For those who may need help here is my clique making formula:
Start small with someone you like and has your standards…that would be you. Then lower your standards enough so someone else will associate with you. Lower them again until a third person can put up with the both of you. Then keep lowering the standard until in can include as many as you want and still exclude “those other people”. Obviously this is a delicate balance…you can do it.

By: don

don — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 21:18:01 +0000

Cliques are always about others, never about ourselves. By that I mean, if I belong to one clique it’s ok if I don’t belong to a different clique then they are the ones at fault, they are excluding me…they, they, they.

I say if you don’t belong to a clique, start your own.

By: Rusty

Rusty — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 20:41:44 +0000

J,
You make a very valid point. It’s clear that Christ loved everyone. But he also had close friends and you can’t get close with someone unless you spend more time with them than others. Was He exclusive? Were others feeling excluded? We can’t really tell but I imagine Christ always made people feel loved and welcome.