Comments on: Forgiving Others http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/ Sat, 22 Nov 2008 08:27:18 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5.1 By: David T. http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-36525 David T. Thu, 03 Jan 2008 18:46:28 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-36525 Sometimes I think I was placed on the earth to help <i>others</i> learn to forgive. Ha! Ha! Seriously, you hit on my biggest challenge. When I resent, I resent BIG time and it's all I can do to harness my black feelings. I think I've gotten better the last couple of years, especially since I've thrown myself into service. At least I've gotten pretty good at cloaking the resentment. Still, it's extremely frustrating how I-- a fairly intelligent, insightful guy-- could let little slights rule my days. *sigh* I guess we all need at least one good albatross to keep us company. Sometimes I think I was placed on the earth to help others learn to forgive. Ha! Ha!

Seriously, you hit on my biggest challenge. When I resent, I resent BIG time and it’s all I can do to harness my black feelings. I think I’ve gotten better the last couple of years, especially since I’ve thrown myself into service. At least I’ve gotten pretty good at cloaking the resentment. Still, it’s extremely frustrating how I– a fairly intelligent, insightful guy– could let little slights rule my days.

*sigh*

I guess we all need at least one good albatross to keep us company.

]]> By: Lamonte http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-36397 Lamonte Wed, 02 Jan 2008 15:19:47 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-36397 Thanks for the comments everyone. I'm not sure why we keep getting double comments on this page. Oh well, it's just something we'll have to forgive Rusty for. ;-) Spectator - you gave me some insight I hadn't considered before - dissing his territory. Thanks for your thoughts. annegb - You're way ahead of me in the forgiving - and serving - category. But I see that you put my rule to work - doing something nice for someone you don't like - and I'm glad it worked. Barb - you mentioned how earlier in life this was not as big a problem for you as it now is. I totally understand. In fact I mark the day things changed for me. It was my first day at college and the instructor asked each of us to stand, state our name and then say something nice about ourselves. I chose to say "I never hold a grudge." It was like I was calling Satan out on that issue. Since that day I have collected a long list of grudges - most of whom are totally one sided, in other words, the other person deosn't even realize I'm mad at them. In fact they may not even know me. How wierd is that. I know, I need counseling! I've actually had some, years ago, and it helped. Let's all hope for a great New Year for everybody - even our enemies! Thanks for the comments everyone. I’m not sure why we keep getting double comments on this page. Oh well, it’s just something we’ll have to forgive Rusty for. ;-)

Spectator - you gave me some insight I hadn’t considered before - dissing his territory. Thanks for your thoughts.

annegb - You’re way ahead of me in the forgiving - and serving - category. But I see that you put my rule to work - doing something nice for someone you don’t like - and I’m glad it worked.

Barb - you mentioned how earlier in life this was not as big a problem for you as it now is. I totally understand. In fact I mark the day things changed for me. It was my first day at college and the instructor asked each of us to stand, state our name and then say something nice about ourselves. I chose to say “I never hold a grudge.” It was like I was calling Satan out on that issue. Since that day I have collected a long list of grudges - most of whom are totally one sided, in other words, the other person deosn’t even realize I’m mad at them. In fact they may not even know me. How wierd is that. I know, I need counseling! I’ve actually had some, years ago, and it helped.

Let’s all hope for a great New Year for everybody - even our enemies!

]]> By: Cheryl http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-36060 Cheryl Sun, 30 Dec 2007 08:09:50 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-36060 annegb- I stayed friends with an awful woman just so her kids could play with my kids for the same reason. I didn't want her children to suffer because their mother was so awful. But it was really hard for me to do it. I'm so glad that you did something for those kids. I'm sure they'll always remember you being kind to them... Susan M -- Your "tip" (as you called it) is AWESOME. I need to write it down and post it somewhere! annegb-
I stayed friends with an awful woman just so her kids could play with my kids for the same reason. I didn’t want her children to suffer because their mother was so awful. But it was really hard for me to do it. I’m so glad that you did something for those kids. I’m sure they’ll always remember you being kind to them…

Susan M –
Your “tip” (as you called it) is AWESOME. I need to write it down and post it somewhere!

]]> By: Barb http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-36047 Barb Sun, 30 Dec 2007 03:16:06 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-36047 I did not really struggle with this when I was younger as much as I have in recent years. One of the things that helps me is to think of how when I am hurt that the bitterness makes me appreciate how sweet it is when someone is nice to me. I also try to use it in a way to actively try to avoid making others feel hurt as I have been hurt. I also use a technique that I think has been mentioned as I recall how I have hurt others and often in a way that they have hurt me. Something that has been humbling for me is to realize how much some of the people who offended me(maybe not intentional) were going through during the time. One person who offended me by brushing me off and also drawing attention to my tendency to be too open off the bat, later said something simple and nice and that was the last time we exchanged emails. I like to end on a good note. I knew from comments he made on a forum that he was going through some big changes. I had no idea the turmoil that he must have been in as he made a huge change in his life. I probably did not even register really in his world or in the minds of others who I felt hurt by. They really have much bigger things. I also tell myself that if someone does not want to be my friend that it is their loss. Maybe this is bad, I think that I am pretty cool in a lot of ways. I did not really struggle with this when I was younger as much as I have in recent years. One of the things that helps me is to think of how when I am hurt that the bitterness makes me appreciate how sweet it is when someone is nice to me. I also try to use it in a way to actively try to avoid making others feel hurt as I have been hurt. I also use a technique that I think has been mentioned as I recall how I have hurt others and often in a way that they have hurt me. Something that has been humbling for me is to realize how much some of the people who offended me(maybe not intentional) were going through during the time. One person who offended me by brushing me off and also drawing attention to my tendency to be too open off the bat, later said something simple and nice and that was the last time we exchanged emails. I like to end on a good note. I knew from comments he made on a forum that he was going through some big changes. I had no idea the turmoil that he must have been in as he made a huge change in his life. I probably did not even register really in his world or in the minds of others who I felt hurt by. They really have much bigger things. I also tell myself that if someone does not want to be my friend that it is their loss. Maybe this is bad, I think that I am pretty cool in a lot of ways.

]]> By: a spectator http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35940 a spectator Sat, 29 Dec 2007 03:11:06 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35940 Your story made me laugh because it sounds like he offended you the exact same way you offended him: by expressing the nostalgia for Malad, you were dissing his territory. He said it right back. I am glad you got over it, no matter how long it took--most people don't bother. I would say that I was also born with a forgiving nature, but the example of my forgiving family sure helped! I think Susan''s advice to give them an excuse is great--there is always another side to the story. Your story made me laugh because it sounds like he offended you the exact same way you offended him: by expressing the nostalgia for Malad, you were dissing his territory. He said it right back. I am glad you got over it, no matter how long it took–most people don’t bother.

I would say that I was also born with a forgiving nature, but the example of my forgiving family sure helped! I think Susan’’s advice to give them an excuse is great–there is always another side to the story.

]]> By: annegb http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35897 annegb Fri, 28 Dec 2007 23:46:43 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35897 We have a really awful neighbor who has alienated most of the people in the ward, let alone the neighborhood. There are maybe nine families in a little circle around our cul-de-sac and I would bet all women avoid her and I seldom see her children playing with other children. She's active, but just angry and mean and always causing trouble. I made them an extra big plate of treats for Christmas. Bill said, "why are you doing that? It won't change anything!" And I said, "I'm not doing it for her." When he took it over, she acted like her usual ungracious self, taking the platter with a gesture that said, "what the hell took you so long and go away, you bother me." I don't care. I did not want her kids to think nobody likes them. In a wonderful little AA prayer book (in AA, we are counseled to pray for people we are fighting with, and I do, although sometimes it's not a very nice prayer, let me tell you.), there is this prayer: God, free me from resentment Toward _____________________ Please bless ___________________in whatever it is that You know They may be needing this day. Please give _______________________________everything I want for myself. And may ___________________________________'s life be full of health, peace, Prosperity and happiness as they seek to have A closer relationship with thee. It actually works, although I'm still praying angry for this woman. We have a really awful neighbor who has alienated most of the people in the ward, let alone the neighborhood. There are maybe nine families in a little circle around our cul-de-sac and I would bet all women avoid her and I seldom see her children playing with other children.

She’s active, but just angry and mean and always causing trouble.

I made them an extra big plate of treats for Christmas. Bill said, “why are you doing that? It won’t change anything!” And I said, “I’m not doing it for her.” When he took it over, she acted like her usual ungracious self, taking the platter with a gesture that said, “what the hell took you so long and go away, you bother me.”

I don’t care. I did not want her kids to think nobody likes them.

In a wonderful little AA prayer book (in AA, we are counseled to pray for people we are fighting with, and I do, although sometimes it’s not a very nice prayer, let me tell you.), there is this prayer:

God, free me from resentment
Toward _____________________
Please bless ___________________in whatever it is that You know
They may be needing this day.
Please give _______________________________everything I want for myself.
And may ___________________________________’s life be
full of health, peace,
Prosperity and happiness as they seek to have
A closer relationship with thee.

It actually works, although I’m still praying angry for this woman.

]]> By: Susan M http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35882 Susan M Fri, 28 Dec 2007 18:58:25 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35882 I think learning how to forgive is one of the most important things we can do in life, if our goal is to become as HF. (Think about some of the things He's able to forgive.) I'm by nature a very forgiving person, and I tend to not be judgmental at all. It's a trait I don't particularly feel proud of or anything---it's just my nature. My parents are the same way. Unconditionally accepting of people. But if you want a tip for not letting little things other people do aggravate you, here's one: Give them an excuse for their behavior. That guy who cut you off on the freeway? He didn't see you. That person who didn't use their blinker (a particular pet peeve of mine)? Their blinkers aren't working. Etc. I guess it can work on the bigger things, too. That person who offended you probably either 1) Didn't realize they were doing so, 2) Would probably be mortified if they knew they had, or if 1 & 2 don't apply, 3) Are acting out of their own hurt and anger. I think learning how to forgive is one of the most important things we can do in life, if our goal is to become as HF. (Think about some of the things He’s able to forgive.)

I’m by nature a very forgiving person, and I tend to not be judgmental at all. It’s a trait I don’t particularly feel proud of or anything—it’s just my nature. My parents are the same way. Unconditionally accepting of people.

But if you want a tip for not letting little things other people do aggravate you, here’s one: Give them an excuse for their behavior. That guy who cut you off on the freeway? He didn’t see you. That person who didn’t use their blinker (a particular pet peeve of mine)? Their blinkers aren’t working. Etc.

I guess it can work on the bigger things, too. That person who offended you probably either 1) Didn’t realize they were doing so, 2) Would probably be mortified if they knew they had, or if 1 & 2 don’t apply, 3) Are acting out of their own hurt and anger.

]]> By: Cheryl http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35776 Cheryl Thu, 27 Dec 2007 22:17:22 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35776 Blackfoot! "Free Taters for Out-of-Staters!" :) Blackfoot! “Free Taters for Out-of-Staters!” :)

]]> By: Lamonte http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35764 Lamonte Thu, 27 Dec 2007 18:22:14 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35764 Cheryl - Which thriving metropolis in Idaho did you grow up in? My home town is Malad City, just north of the Utah border along I-15. Cheryl - Which thriving metropolis in Idaho did you grow up in? My home town is Malad City, just north of the Utah border along I-15.

]]> By: Cheryl http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35747 Cheryl Thu, 27 Dec 2007 15:16:17 +0000 http://www.nine-moons.com/2007/12/26/forgiving-others/#comment-35747 I hear you on the blogging thing. Sometimes I feel I neglect things that are more important, but then I remember that my well-being (writing, discussing, venting, etc.) counts on it. Forgiveness is a hard one for me, too. My FIL drives me absolutely crazy. I know his own children have a really hard time forgiving him of the things he did/does. And the problem isn't that we aren't forgiving and loving people in general, we are just constantly bombarded by the same offenses over and over and over and over. Some say we should just cut him out of our lives completely and move on. But that's just not an option (see comment about being loving people). So, I'm working on the forgiveness thing. It's probably something I'll (and my husband and in-laws) will have to work on for the rest of our lives... Oh, and fwiw, I miss Southeastern Idaho, too. Sometimes a lot. Especially around fair time... ;) I hear you on the blogging thing. Sometimes I feel I neglect things that are more important, but then I remember that my well-being (writing, discussing, venting, etc.) counts on it.

Forgiveness is a hard one for me, too. My FIL drives me absolutely crazy. I know his own children have a really hard time forgiving him of the things he did/does. And the problem isn’t that we aren’t forgiving and loving people in general, we are just constantly bombarded by the same offenses over and over and over and over. Some say we should just cut him out of our lives completely and move on. But that’s just not an option (see comment about being loving people). So, I’m working on the forgiveness thing. It’s probably something I’ll (and my husband and in-laws) will have to work on for the rest of our lives…

Oh, and fwiw, I miss Southeastern Idaho, too. Sometimes a lot. Especially around fair time… ;)

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