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Nine Moons » Blog Archive : Laziness Is Next To Godliness » Laziness Is Next To Godliness

Laziness Is Next To Godliness

Rusty - July 12, 2010

I was yelled at early this morning by a fellow runner. Running at me. Uphill. Something about me not moving out of my lane for him. He had already begun yelling, 20 feet away, before I even noticed him in my lane (90% of runners go counter-clockwise around the Prospect Park loop, including me, which means he was essentially like a driver going down a one-way street honking and yelling at cars to get out of his way). My friend and I laughed as he passed us and I remarked at how much energy he just wasted that he could have put toward his uphill climb. So much energy, such poor allocation.

I’ve grown to view my energy as a valuable, dwindling resource. Unlike the salad days of my raucous youth, I now try to avoid as much energy-wasting as possible (you know, like those tree-hugging Mormon architects). Some prefer the term, “being lazy” but I see it as a form of righteousness. I don’t really know when I became so lazy/righteous, but I often attribute it to my mission when I began to adopt the cliché that you shouldn’t worry about those things you have no power to change. That singular principle has brought me more peace than all my scented candles, pillows and world music combined.

Okay, so, here’s a list of sins that I avoid out of my sheer unwillingness to expend the calories:

Physical fights:
Never done it and yet I’m somehow still “a man” and have maintained my “honor”. Don’t get me wrong, if someone threatened my family in a way that necessitated a stronger response than shaking my fist but weaker than busting a cap, you bet I would engage in fisticuffs. But let’s be honest, how many fist fights solved something a little sarcastic wit couldn’t? Tons, I know, but still…

Holding grudges:
Seriously. I mean, I get the being offended or getting hurt part, but to hold onto that over time, either until the person apologizes or changes or whatever? Too much work. You have to remember what they did, you have to consciously forget all the good they’ve done, you have to physically either avoid them or “confront” them (which requires an entire effort of thinking about what you’re going to say beforehand and possible counters to their responses). Ugh. I’m exhausted just thinking about it all.

Adultery:
Okay, first is the actual adultery part. Not only would I have to actively look at a woman as a possible partner, not only would I then have to take the step to talk with her, then elevate that to flirting, then somehow go beyond flirting into the touching, then very likely spend money on hotels, gifts, dinners, etc., (are you tired yet?) but I would also have to engage in the most energy-draining thing known to man: lying. And this is all BEFORE the divorce proceedings! All the blaming and writing off friends and who-gets-what and the custody battles and paying alimony and being single again and so on. Sorry, not even a temptation.

Anger: Anger can only be justified in parking ticket-related affairs, dealing with airline customer service and video games. Otherwise the calorie-burn-to-desired-results ratio is not in my favor. Cheap insults and sarcasm are my usual substitutions. They don’t get results either, but at least they work with my laziness and I can channel the surplus anger back into yelling at my Modern Warfare 2 opponents.

Annoying political activism (yes, this is a sin): You will never see me at a political rally. You will never get an email from me asking you to sign a petition. My name will never be on a letter to any editor. You won’t get emails from me with any combination of the words “Obama” and “Fw:” in the subject line. Do I have political views that I share with others? Sure. In conversations. That often begin with phrases like, “you see the game yesterday?”

I’m sure there are others I’ve left out, but…well…you know.

12 Comments »

  1. “salad days”. Thanks for that phrase.

    Comment by Dane — July 12, 2010 @ 3:44 pm

  2. Be still and know that I am God.

    D&C … something.

    Comment by Eric Nielson — July 12, 2010 @ 5:13 pm

  3. On question I hope won’t threadjack, but what if the petition you ask people to sign is part of a Church related political effort? Where and to what extent would you be willing to get involved and what circumstance from the Church would warrant it?

    I think many of these are inherited lazinesses (lazinuli? lazii?) as I certainly share them. However, I gave up most of my game anger when i became a board gamer. Oh and that whole adultery thing.

    Comment by Bret — July 12, 2010 @ 5:29 pm

  4. Adultery:
    Okay, first is the actual adultery part. Not only would I have to actively look at a woman as a possible partner, not only would I then have to take the step to talk with her, then elevate that to flirting, then somehow go beyond flirting into the touching, then very likely spend money on hotels, gifts, dinners, etc., (are you tired yet?) but I would also have to engage in the most energy-draining thing known to man: lying. And this is all BEFORE the divorce proceedings! All the blaming and writing off friends and who-gets-what and the custody battles and paying alimony and being single again and so on. Sorry, not even a temptation.

    Some people might refer to the first 3/4 of that as fairly standard romance…

    Comment by Scott B. — July 12, 2010 @ 5:40 pm

  5. Yeah, I’d never heard that phrase “salad days of my [] youth” before, but like it. Good post. I like your ability to make doing nothing sound so, well, reasonable. Good work.

    Comment by Hunter — July 13, 2010 @ 8:37 am

  6. This is very insightful and profound and any other compliment.

    Because I just realized that my laziness is good for something and has probably kept me out of jail.

    I’m so going to point this out next time Bill gets huffy about me lying around so much. I think laying sounds so much better, but …..

    Comment by annegb — July 13, 2010 @ 11:44 am

  7. Is it laziness or just disinterest that drives these choices? i think people get involved in the things that they are interested in. If you are interested, you find the energy to do it.

    Also, you have to have a specific situation in order to become interested. Very, very few people are interested in “anger” or “political activism” or “adultery” in the abstract. But somehow a surprising percentage of people manage to become involved in those things anyway.

    Comment by MCQ — July 13, 2010 @ 11:51 am

  8. Am I the only person who doesn’t understand the phrase “salad days” at all?

    Please humor a befuddled soul and explain it, okay?

    Comment by Scott B. — July 13, 2010 @ 8:57 pm

  9. Oh, wait–nevermind.

    Comment by Scott B. — July 13, 2010 @ 8:59 pm

  10. To understand “salad days,” one need go no further than to watch Raising Arizona, which, as everyone knows, is a very righteous “lazy” activity.

    Comment by American Yak — July 15, 2010 @ 3:58 pm

  11. I agree, most of the exhaustive efforts of adultery could extend to pretty much any romantic involvement. If, heaven forbid, I suddenly found myself a widower it would be too arduous for me to play “Catch me! Catch me!” with a single adult sister. “Can I catch you tomorrow?” would be my reply.

    My first brush with “salad days” was on Monty Python’s Flying Circus:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1-NpyaOWV0

    Comment by David T. — July 17, 2010 @ 2:04 pm

  12. “but I would also have to engage in the most energy-draining thing known to man: *lying*.”

    Now *that* was comedy, especially to an lazy fellow older-than-he-used-to-be-and-never-had-much-energy-anyway energy-conserver…

    Comment by grego — September 5, 2010 @ 3:08 am

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