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Nine Moons » Blog Archive : The Last Shall Be First » The Last Shall Be First

The Last Shall Be First

Seth - August 18, 2006

In the interest of using my newfound blogging powers for good, and for the betterment of humankind…

When you’re picking a parking spot during Stake Conference (or some other event that packs-in the people), don’t park on the street curb outside the parking lot in the hopes of avoiding the post-meeting traffic jam.


Nothing to do with etiquette, actually.

It simply doesn’t work.

Unless you tear out of there after the first “amen,” knocking over the Stake Patriarch and High Priest Group Leader in the process, you are going to end up stuck in your curbside car for the next ten minutes as an uninterrupted stream of exiters drive past from the parking lot entrance.

Better to park a good distance inside the Stake Center parking lot, where traffic is lighter. That way, you can pull out, get in line, and be on your way long before the poor saps who parked streetside. If you can manage to find the parking space furthest from any parking lot exit, you’re sitting pretty.

Same goes for in-lot parking right next to the exit. You’ll be there forever. So don’t say I didn’t warn you! I’ve got the Utah Valley creds and BYU Marriot Center post-event annecdotes to back this up.

Type-A personalities take heed!

Or better yet, stay after, and help take down the chairs. Then you can leave completely unopposed.


  1. It’s these types of insights that led me to tell Rusty to invite you on-board.

    You’ll fit in just fine.

    One question, what to do about parking attendants. At our SC’s we are herded in and told specifically where to park. Unfortunately, they don’t reappear after the conference to direct the outgoing traffic.

    Comment by Tim — August 18, 2006 @ 4:26 pm

  2. We must have more polite people here in Spokane. People let you in and or out no matter where you park. I do park curbside and it works like a charm, no harm to the Stake leaders and I still get right out and on my way.

    It must be those Utah Mormons again!

    Comment by Don — August 18, 2006 @ 7:28 pm

  3. Don, I think they did an experiment once where they observed that rats, when overcrowded, started cannibalizing each other. Maybe it applies to Mormons too.

    Comment by Seth R. — August 18, 2006 @ 9:47 pm

  4. Good tips Seth!

    This reminds me of when I had parking lot duty for Stake Conference. Mostly blocked the lot because is was full and politely guided people down the street. Most everyone was very polite, including the elderly and physically challenged even though they had to walk much further then they’d hoped. Through all this comes a 20-something punk single adult (yes, from my ward ashamed to say) in his cherry red convertible and double parks in the lot right next to the door before I could get to him! The nerve…

    Vegas is still the worst place I’ve ever driven in my life…followed by Utah.

    Comment by Bret — August 19, 2006 @ 1:43 am

  5. I am actually a little bit surprised that D&C 76 doesn’t have a verse 78.5:

    78 Wherefore, they are bodies terrestrial, and not bodies celestial, and differ in glory as the moon differs from the sun.
    78.5 These are they who sneak out of stake conference just before the closing prayer.
    79 These are they who are not valiant in the testimony of Jesus; wherefore, they obtain not the crown over the kingdom of our God.

    I like to park at the back and develop my charity (and the patience of those behind me) by letting people pull out of their parking spaces in front of me.

    Comment by Jacob — August 19, 2006 @ 6:40 pm

  6. Jacob, #5: Very funny!

    Here’s an idea that worked every time when I lived in Utah: walk to the stake center. I always got home before my neighbors who drove. If you live far away, just park three blocks from the stake center and it’ll still work.

    Comment by BrianJ — August 19, 2006 @ 6:59 pm

  7. I park at the far end. I don’t have to wait for someone to let me in.

    Comment by Kim Siever — August 19, 2006 @ 9:37 pm

  8. Yeah Jacob, I remember those folks. Tpically, they make their exit during the closing hymn. It’s really pronounced during large firesides in the Marriot Center. I’d always attend those with my dad as an adolescent. During one particular fireside with an apostle, there was the typical sneaky rush for the portals during the closing hymn. My dad leaned over and said “look at Elder [A], he’s watching them leave.” I looked down and, sure enough, the apostle’s eyes were following those hurried individuals as they headed for their cars.

    My dad and I never left our seats immediately after the benediction at Marriot Center devotionals and such. We’d stay where we were chatting and watching the people leaving. Often we’d stay as long as 15 minutes after waiting for the parking lot to clear.

    Now, I value that time I spent with my father a great deal. My dad was a very busy man who couldn’t abide wasted time. His insistence on remaining to savour the moment following spiritual events impressed me very deeply.

    Comment by Seth R. — August 20, 2006 @ 5:50 am

  9. Why use your powers for good when you could use them for awesome instead?

    Comment by a random John — August 22, 2006 @ 10:33 am

  10. I’m not sure I’m that cool ARJ.

    Comment by Seth — August 22, 2006 @ 11:01 am

  11. Seth, aim high. I can assure you that Abdi LaRue was unaware that he (she?) was a robot that could use his powers for awesome until Strong Bad pointed it out. I’m sure that a whole new world of opportunities has blossomed before him since this discovery. The same could happen to you.

    Comment by a random John — August 23, 2006 @ 2:29 pm

  12. Personally I’d settle for The Cheat’s cool boots.

    Comment by Seth R. — August 23, 2006 @ 3:00 pm

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