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Nine Moons » Blog Archive : Kissing is the Single Mormon’s Sex » Kissing is the Single Mormon’s Sex

Kissing is the Single Mormon’s Sex

Rusty - September 25, 2006

This is a very common thought for the single Mormon. Because fornication (and things like unto it) is verboten all we really have is kissing. As we brag to our roommates about kissing the hot chick at the party there is a parallel conversation happening at UCLA where someone is bragging to his roommates about having sex with that hot chick at the party.

In fact, almost everything is parallel:

– For them, both parties on a date are always thinking about how to have/how to get out of sex at the end of the night. For us, both parties on a date are always thinking about how to kiss/how to get out of kissing at the end of the night.

– They almost always know how many people they’ve had sex with (unless it’s prohibitively high). We almost always know how many people we’ve kissed (unless it’s prohibitively high).

– They have sluts who “put out” (sex), often drunk. We have sluts who “put out” (kissing), rarely drunk though, I don’t know what our excuse is.

– The “acceptable” number of sexual partners is all relative to them. The “acceptable” number of kissing partners is all relative to us (depending if I’m talking with my bishop or my buddy).

– They have virgins to make fun of. We have the VL club (Virgin Lips club) to make fun of.

– Likewise they have the virgins who say they are virgins because they are “saving themselves” when really they just haven’t had the opportunity to have sex. We have VL’s who say they are VL’s because they are “saving themselves” when really they just haven’t had the opportunity to kiss.

– They generally partner with those who have slept with similar numbers of people. We generally partner with those who have kissed similar numbers of people (my wife has kissed one more guy than I’ve kissed girls).

– Viewing sex on-screen for them is about the same as viewing a kiss on-screen is for us.

I’d also like to point out that BYU is full of “easy” girls. I kissed more girls my first year off my mission than my entire life before my mission (though it’s not much, mind you). And I should say the number of girls I kissed before getting married is definitely acceptable.

32 Comments »

  1. And I should say the number of girls I kissed before getting married is definitely acceptable.

    Shouldn’t we be asking your wife if this number is acceptable?

    Comment by a random John — September 25, 2006 @ 9:39 am

  2. Hey, my wife kissed more than I did so I think she’s fine with it.

    Comment by Rusty — September 25, 2006 @ 9:41 am

  3. Another assumption that I am not sure is safe.

    Comment by a random John — September 25, 2006 @ 9:47 am

  4. It’s not exactly the same though for the obvious reasons. I mean kissing is kind of innocuous all things considered. I’d add that I think if you are dating a lot you’re going to end up kissing a lot. I’m not sure that sex is the same. Even a lot of people outside of the Church tend to hold sex a little more special. The stereotype of everyone having multiple one night stands is just that: a stereotype. There are people who do that but it’s not that common. Whereas I think even a lot of Mormons don’t view kissing as quite a sign of commitment.

    Yes there are those who sort of do the nicmo thing. (Hey, I did it myself) But there’s just too much variety on it all to judge a whole lot. Yes there’s lots of women around Provo one can hook up with easily. But I suspect overall it’s a definitely minority in terms of population.

    Comment by Clark Goble — September 25, 2006 @ 9:53 am

  5. Rusty, you’d better watch out or the snark will post on how Dr Pepper is the Mormon’s beer!

    Comment by a random John — September 25, 2006 @ 9:56 am

  6. I’m glad I got married straight out of high school.

    Comment by Susan M — September 25, 2006 @ 10:03 am

  7. We don’t really refer to girls who are permiscuos kissers as sluts, do we? I’m trying to remember this and it doesn’t ring a bell.

    If we do/did, that’s disturbing.

    Comment by Tom — September 25, 2006 @ 11:05 am

  8. They have sluts who “put out” (sex), often drunk. We have sluts who “put out” (kissing), rarely drunk though, I don’t know what our excuse is.

    I think that was my favorite line from the post.

    We don’t really refer to girls who are permiscuos kissers as sluts, do we? I’m trying to remember this and it doesn’t ring a bell.

    In my BYU singles ward, I did actually hear the term “kissing slut.”

    Comment by Steve M. — September 25, 2006 @ 11:11 am

  9. It’s ironic, because kissing seems to be the most intimate of all the physical acts. It’s two faces making love. Many completely promiscuous people who seek the pleasure of a new sex partner daily *will not kiss* them. It’s too…intimate.

    Comment by D. Fletcher — September 25, 2006 @ 11:35 am

  10. Ack! Promiscuous, not permiscuous.

    I can imagine the “kissing slut” label being used in jest, but not to besmirch a lady’s character in the same way that slut is used. I call my little sister a hussy anytime she tells me about a kiss, but it’s 100% a joke.

    Comment by Tom — September 25, 2006 @ 11:43 am

  11. Ooh, I love that word “hussy”.

    Comment by Rusty — September 25, 2006 @ 11:46 am

  12. In the singles ward, we were definitely aware of which girls were “easy” (kissers) and which were not.

    Comment by Tim — September 25, 2006 @ 11:46 am

  13. “We generally partner with those who have kissed similar numbers of people”

    I guess our marriage was not general. I kissed way more girls (and way more often) than my wife kissed boys.

    Comment by Kim Siever — September 25, 2006 @ 11:57 am

  14. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out I had kissed more people than anyone here.

    ;)

    Comment by D. Fletcher — September 25, 2006 @ 12:04 pm

  15. rarely drunk though, I don’t know what our excuse is.

    That line caught my eye as well. My first thought was that getting drunk is just a way to give yourself an excuse for doing something you’d do anyhow but couldn’t justify. To put it more simply, it gives you an excuse.

    Comment by a random John — September 25, 2006 @ 12:14 pm

  16. [...] Rusty waxes nostalgic about the lips he once kissed. [...]

    Pingback by Carnal Knowledge in the ‘Nacle « The Ironic Priesthood — September 25, 2006 @ 12:45 pm

  17. My husband has kissed quite a larger number of girls than I’ve kissed boys, but he’s 8 years older than me and lived in densely Mormon-populated areas for much of his young adult life.

    There was one summer at BYU when his siblings/friends apparently referred to him as “slut-lips” because he kissed quite a few girls in the space of a few months.

    As long as he only kisses ME now, and tells me I’m the best (which he does), I’m OK with it. :)

    Comment by Josephine Dynamite — September 25, 2006 @ 4:09 pm

  18. arJ: My first thought was that getting drunk is just a way to give yourself an excuse for doing something you’d do anyhow but couldn’t justify. To put it more simply, it gives you an excuse.

    Haha! I used to contemplate that getting stoned would be a great excuse for getting to eat all the brownies and junk food you wanted. Unfortunately, I don’t have any excuses. I just eat the junk food.

    As for kissing, are we couting New Year’s Eve and good-luck before a drama performance stuff, or actual serious kisses. I’m extraordinarily low on the actual serious kiss-o-meter, but my husband’s about the same (i think we each have about 3 or 4?)

    Comment by meems — September 25, 2006 @ 8:49 pm

  19. Meems,
    Slut.

    Comment by Rusty — September 25, 2006 @ 9:30 pm

  20. Rusty,
    You forgot STDs as compared to mono! (or maybe even cold sores)
    Either way, very good post because it’s soooo true. My favorite part was the way roommates reacted. Girl’s apartment rules were the one who kissed owed their roommates ice cream; out of jealousy, I suppose. In my apartment, we the roommates bought the guy pizza as a congratulatory present.

    I think this may have only worked in our apartment as we were VERY lame and only bought I think 5 pizzas.

    Oh, and I guarentee you have all kissed more people than I. (though I’m no VL) Hence why I relate so bitterly to this post and am still single.

    Comment by Bret — September 25, 2006 @ 10:15 pm

  21. HaHa!! LOL! Man, you guys are harsh!

    Comment by meems — September 25, 2006 @ 10:36 pm

  22. I’ve heard the term “mouth slut”

    Comment by jgreen — September 26, 2006 @ 8:17 am

  23. Just to be clear, you all are aware, right? of the rampant sexism underlying this entire conversation.

    Just wanted to make sure.

    Comment by fMhLisa — September 26, 2006 @ 2:18 pm

  24. No, actually, I’m not. Care to clarify?

    Comment by Susan M — September 26, 2006 @ 3:07 pm

  25. Since the term “slut” almost never applies to the guy involved and is a term used to denegrate women, I can see the rampant sexism, yes. Why are the women considered the promiscuous kissers and not the men? Why are men rewarded with pizza for a kiss and if it were a conquest, while women have to give ice cream to appease the guilt (in terms of others’ jealousies)? Why are guys refering to which girls were “easy kissers” and which girls were not “easy”? WHy is there a double standard here?

    Is that what you meant, Lisa? Am I off base?

    Of course, the absolute absurdity of it all is what makes it quite silly and humorous.

    Comment by meems — September 26, 2006 @ 5:48 pm

  26. Lisa,
    Yes, please clarify. Rampant sexism? Not in a single one of my bullet-points do I discern between boys and girls and almost none of the comments make that distinction either. What’s the problem again?

    Comment by Rusty — September 26, 2006 @ 6:28 pm

  27. Sorry to be such a mood killer. I guess I was having one of my mean angry feminist moments. (I’m actually rather fond of my mean angry feminist, but other people tire of her quickly)(can you imagine?)

    I’m now in the clutches of my sad angry feminist. I guess I was hoping that it was at least self-aware light-hearted rampant sexism. And it just makes me tired and sad and disappointed that even now, that I’ve ruined all the fun (sorry about that) you still don’t see it, but rather get defensive. What’s a gal to do?

    I don’t have the energy to parse out all the many rampant sexisms right now. But if you sincerely want me to help you see how I see (that does sound condesending, but I can’t think of how else to word it)(you’re also welcome to help me see how you see), I’ll do it in the near future. If you’d rather just drop it that’s okay too. Just let me know.

    Comment by fMhLisa — September 26, 2006 @ 10:24 pm

  28. fMLisa,

    Don’t worry about it:) I’ve wondered the same things but that’s just the way things are, I suppose. Like I said, the pizza thing was just a ting my apartment did. As for the ice cream, girls are the ones who I assume came up with it and are perpetuating it, so they’re being sexist to themselves! Being a guy, I find that funny but I can understand why that would make more rational people like you that much more upset. Sorry!
    Anyway, like I said, I’m still a lame single guy who’s only kissed one girl (I didn’t even get to make-out with her which is a difference that hasn’t been discussed yet here)

    Comment by Bret — September 26, 2006 @ 11:52 pm

  29. By the time you’re married, Bret (assuming you ever make it there and assuming that you kiss your wife), you’ll be tied with me even if the only other person you kiss is your wife. My grand total is two (same with my wife, if she is to be believed). I would like to say that’s because I was principled and didn’t believe in kissing promiscuity, but mostly it was because I only had two opportunities. I am Captain Megadork.

    Lisa, you get my patented eye roll. It’s the same one that my mom gets when she tells me that the pee-eye-ess-ess word is a cuss word. How does it feel? That’s what I thought.

    But seriously, rather than indict a whole thread of folks, some of whom have not expressed any sentiment that even you could consider sexist, I think it’s best to cite specific examples if you have complaints. That way people can defend themselves against your charges, or just roll their eyes as they see fit.

    Comment by Tom — September 27, 2006 @ 2:24 am

  30. Yeah, Lisa, I’m still at a loss.

    Here’s how I see it: Mormon guys enjoy kissing Mormon girls (and vice-versa). Non-Mormon guys enjoy having sex with non-Mormon girls (and vice-versa). And there are a lot of parallels between the two.

    This is now two comments you’ve made without actually citing examples. I think we have tough enough skin to take it (even if we have too thick of skulls to understand it). I just hope it’s not all based on my usage of the term “hot chick”, that would just be silly.

    Tom,
    I didn’t know you could patent such a thing, that’s awesome! We used to always make fun of my sister about her “Angie Sigh”, maybe she should patent it, market it and make millions :)

    Comment by Rusty — September 27, 2006 @ 7:41 am

  31. I also have an “I’m done listening” snore that really gets ‘em. What I most need is a good eye roll emoticon. I would get a lot of mileage out of that one ’round the ‘nacle.

    Comment by Tom — September 27, 2006 @ 8:08 am

  32. I actually had a girl tell me, coyly I thought later, that she was afraid she was going to have to buy her sisters ice cream today. This was before I knew about this “tradition.” She wouldn’t explain it to me, but I found out from one of my friends what she was talking about.

    Silly girls! =)

    I might point out one big difference – nobody ever asks if you’ve got protection before you kiss them!

    “I’m sorry, I only practice safe kissing. Let me pull out my Amway plastic wrap to put between our faces…”

    Comment by FHL — September 27, 2006 @ 10:45 am

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