Former fellow co-bloggers,
I called this backlist chatroom meeting with you all to announce my resignation from 9moons. Before you protest and beg me to stay,
TOM: Please, no interruptions. As I was saying, before you protest, please let me assure you that my mind is made up. My reasons are various and sundry and I will lay them out in a numbered list with some of the numbered items being funny and cute.
#1. Incisors are for tearing flesh.
#2. I am about to get my PhD and have decided to become an intellectule scholar, or I already am one, and this blog just isn’t the right fit for me. Nothing against you guys, but frankly I’m out of your league.
#3. I’m going to start blogging at BCC or FMH and that won’t leave me with any time to continue to post the more pedestrian blogging that is the 9M modus operandi.
RUSTY: Continue?!!! You can’t “continue” something you don’t do.
TOM: No more interruptions or I swear our post all our backlist drama for the whole entire ‘nacle to see. Continuing on.
#4. You will notice in my item #3 my casual use of the Francais term modus operandi, which should convince you that I’m serious about becoming an intellectule, or already being one because almost having a PhD is pretty close to having one. (See also my use of various and sundry in my preamble (see also preamble instead of intro)).
#5. I have noticed that many of my former fellow co-bloggers are irredeemably gauche and conservative. Evidence:
#5a. In a post entitled “Dear Utah” my former fellow co-blogger CJ Douglass (if that is his real name, which I doubt) wrote a love letter to the gauche and conservative state of Utah that included this:
You have so much to offer. You are truly one of the most unique places in the world. I don’t want to be ashamed that I knew you once – you’re part of who I am.
#5b. In a post about St. Patrick’s Day “CJ Douglass” is judgmental about our brothers and sisters who drink saying, “My disgust for Paddy’s Day drunkenness does . . . come from . . . the Spirit burning was burning in me at that time.” I don’t want to blog with someone who thinks the Spirit tells him to judge other people who drink. The WoW is really just malim proibidum not malim in se. Descriptive, not proscriptive. Nominal not normative. See, these are things I know.
#5c. In the podcast that “Rusty” and “Silus” did
TIM J: There was a podcast?
CJ: That’s news to me.
RUSTY: Didn’t any of you slackers even listen to the podcast?
DAVID: Not me.
SUSAN: A podcast about Mormon stuff? Boring.
DON: What’s a Podcast?
BRET: I started listening but I couldn’t figure out which one was supposed to be gay, so I stopped.
RUSTY: I hate you all.
SETH: Rusty, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with evangelical babes all day.
TOM: Continuing my #5c: I didn’t listen to the podcast either, but from the comments I learned that my former fellow co-blogger “Silus Grok” is supposed to be gay but blindly supports the correlated, indoctrinated, hateful, harmful assault on gay families by the Church leadership. If you ask me, that’s not gay at all.
SILUS: So you don’t sustain the prophets?
TOM: R U JUDGING ME?!!!
TOM: Continuing on: #5d. In this very backlist chat, my former fellow co-blogger “Silus” insinuated that my Christ-like love of gay families means I don’t sustain the prophets and practically tried to revoke my temple recommend.
Summing up: you all are a bunch of MORGS and I’ve outgrown you.
#6. Birds truly are amazing.
RUSTY: Jack o’ lanterns or fluffy bunnies?
MCQ: So, tell me, Tom, what makes you think you can just go and blog at BCC or FMH?
Another numbered list, but with letterz: A) I’m an intellectule scholar that almost has a PhD. B) For BCC: I’ve been working on my Steve Evans-esque curt put-downs of unintellectual conservatives. Observe: MCQ, you are so conservative that you prolly have a tiny wiener like Connor Boyack! C) For FMH: I already trashed–excuse me–recycled all my Good Housekeeping magazines and started reading Mother Jones, The Nation, and Woman’s Day instead. Plus I have tunz of pit hair.
RUSTY: Brie or Camembert?
TOM: Continuing my list bcuz I didn’t add a funny cute numbered letter item: D)Obama rulz!
DAVID: Interesting. Why not T&S?
TOM: Of course YOU wouldn’t be able to see this, but T&S is gauche and conservative like you. An urbane sophisticate such as myself wouldn’t fit in there.
SETH: What about Kaimi?
TOM: KW is kewl, but he’s just a token freethinker. The rest are Morbots who believe in BoM historicity and have advanced degrees from middling universities.
MCQ: Isn’t BCC too supportive of Church leadership for you? Look at John F. And Evans just bore his testimony of President Monson.
TOM: John F. is a token at BCC just like KW is at T&S. And Evans has to come across as a TBM every once in a while so he can keep the Strengthening the Members gestapo off his back.
RUSTY: Airplanes or computers?
CJ: So you’re saying that the BCC bloggers aren’t TBMs?
TOM: R U JUDGING US?!!!
RUSTY: Top five fabrics: 1) Rayon 2) Spandex . . .
RUSTY: Oh, sorry about that. I let the computer go to sleep cuz I was watching Idol. It goes into autoblog mode when it sleeps.
SUSAN: Tom, you know you’re being a big dork, right?
TOM: Shadap. This is srsly important.
RUSTY: Whatever, Tom. Quit. You don’t post anyway.
TOM: Well maybe I’ll post some things before I leave and I’ll have the whole ‘nacle talking about me when I announce my move to BCC and/or FMH.
RUSTY: I’ll believe it when I see it.