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Tom - April 10, 2009

Former fellow co-bloggers,
I called this backlist chatroom meeting with you all to announce my resignation from 9moons. Before you protest and beg me to stay,


TOM: Please, no interruptions. As I was saying, before you protest, please let me assure you that my mind is made up. My reasons are various and sundry and I will lay them out in a numbered list with some of the numbered items being funny and cute.

#1. Incisors are for tearing flesh.

#2. I am about to get my PhD and have decided to become an intellectule scholar, or I already am one, and this blog just isn’t the right fit for me. Nothing against you guys, but frankly I’m out of your league.

#3. I’m going to start blogging at BCC or FMH and that won’t leave me with any time to continue to post the more pedestrian blogging that is the 9M modus operandi.

RUSTY: Continue?!!! You can’t “continue” something you don’t do.

TOM: No more interruptions or I swear our post all our backlist drama for the whole entire ‘nacle to see. Continuing on.

#4. You will notice in my item #3 my casual use of the Francais term modus operandi, which should convince you that I’m serious about becoming an intellectule, or already being one because almost having a PhD is pretty close to having one. (See also my use of various and sundry in my preamble (see also preamble instead of intro)).

#5. I have noticed that many of my former fellow co-bloggers are irredeemably gauche and conservative. Evidence:

#5a. In a post entitled “Dear Utah” my former fellow co-blogger CJ Douglass (if that is his real name, which I doubt) wrote a love letter to the gauche and conservative state of Utah that included this:

You have so much to offer. You are truly one of the most unique places in the world. I don’t want to be ashamed that I knew you once – you’re part of who I am.

#5b. In a post about St. Patrick’s Day “CJ Douglass” is judgmental about our brothers and sisters who drink saying, “My disgust for Paddy’s Day drunkenness does . . . come from . . . the Spirit burning was burning in me at that time.” I don’t want to blog with someone who thinks the Spirit tells him to judge other people who drink. The WoW is really just malim proibidum not malim in se. Descriptive, not proscriptive. Nominal not normative. See, these are things I know.

#5c. In the podcast that “Rusty” and “Silus” did

TIM J: There was a podcast?

CJ: That’s news to me.

RUSTY: Didn’t any of you slackers even listen to the podcast?

DAVID: Not me.


SUSAN: A podcast about Mormon stuff? Boring.

DON: What’s a Podcast?

BRET: I started listening but I couldn’t figure out which one was supposed to be gay, so I stopped.

RUSTY: I hate you all.

SETH: Rusty, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with evangelical babes all day.

TOM: Continuing my #5c: I didn’t listen to the podcast either, but from the comments I learned that my former fellow co-blogger “Silus Grok” is supposed to be gay but blindly supports the correlated, indoctrinated, hateful, harmful assault on gay families by the Church leadership. If you ask me, that’s not gay at all.

SILUS: So you don’t sustain the prophets?


TOM: Continuing on: #5d. In this very backlist chat, my former fellow co-blogger “Silus” insinuated that my Christ-like love of gay families means I don’t sustain the prophets and practically tried to revoke my temple recommend.

Summing up: you all are a bunch of MORGS and I’ve outgrown you.

#6. Birds truly are amazing.

RUSTY: Jack o’ lanterns or fluffy bunnies?

SUSAN: ???

MCQ: So, tell me, Tom, what makes you think you can just go and blog at BCC or FMH?


Another numbered list, but with letterz: A) I’m an intellectule scholar that almost has a PhD. B) For BCC: I’ve been working on my Steve Evans-esque curt put-downs of unintellectual conservatives. Observe: MCQ, you are so conservative that you prolly have a tiny wiener like Connor Boyack! C) For FMH: I already trashed–excuse me–recycled all my Good Housekeeping magazines and started reading Mother Jones, The Nation, and Woman’s Day instead. Plus I have tunz of pit hair.

RUSTY: Brie or Camembert?

TOM: Continuing my list bcuz I didn’t add a funny cute numbered letter item: D)Obama rulz!

DAVID: Interesting. Why not T&S?

TOM: Of course YOU wouldn’t be able to see this, but T&S is gauche and conservative like you. An urbane sophisticate such as myself wouldn’t fit in there.

SETH: What about Kaimi?

TOM: KW is kewl, but he’s just a token freethinker. The rest are Morbots who believe in BoM historicity and have advanced degrees from middling universities.

MCQ: Isn’t BCC too supportive of Church leadership for you? Look at John F. And Evans just bore his testimony of President Monson.

TOM: John F. is a token at BCC just like KW is at T&S. And Evans has to come across as a TBM every once in a while so he can keep the Strengthening the Members gestapo off his back.

RUSTY: Airplanes or computers?

CJ: So you’re saying that the BCC bloggers aren’t TBMs?


RUSTY: Top five fabrics: 1) Rayon 2) Spandex . . .

RUSTY: Oh, sorry about that. I let the computer go to sleep cuz I was watching Idol. It goes into autoblog mode when it sleeps.

SUSAN: Tom, you know you’re being a big dork, right?

TOM: Shadap. This is srsly important.

SUSAN: Dork.

RUSTY: Whatever, Tom. Quit. You don’t post anyway.

TOM: Well maybe I’ll post some things before I leave and I’ll have the whole ‘nacle talking about me when I announce my move to BCC and/or FMH.

RUSTY: I’ll believe it when I see it.


  1. You don’t have to be an unintellectual for me to put you down.

    Comment by Steve Evans — April 10, 2009 @ 7:53 am

  2. Masterful. A veritable tour-de-force of satire and wit, a real piece of resistance ;)

    Comment by Nitsav — April 10, 2009 @ 8:02 am

  3. * snorffle *

    He mentioned me! He actually mentioned me!

    Comment by Silus Grok — April 10, 2009 @ 8:29 am

  4. Auto-blog… he he he.

    Comment by Tracy M — April 10, 2009 @ 8:39 am

  5. I’m just jealous that I didn’t come up with a blog that gets hundreds or thousands of votes per post. That must bring in at least 3 bucks a week in Google ad revenue.

    Comment by Tom — April 10, 2009 @ 8:45 am


    Comment by Rusty — April 10, 2009 @ 8:55 am

  7. Sorry, my and John C’s wires must have crossed when trying to disable the auto-blog.

    Comment by Rusty — April 10, 2009 @ 8:56 am

  8. An instant classic.

    Comment by Randy B. — April 10, 2009 @ 9:54 am

  9. /applause

    Rusty, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with evangelical babes all day.

    I hope you’re not numbering me among Seth’s evangelical babes because I’m a Mormon now. CARM outed me.

    On a totally unrelated note, has anybody else noticed that the side-bar on the main page here at Nine Moons is broken and showing up at the bottom of the page?

    Comment by Bridget Jack Meyers — April 10, 2009 @ 10:11 am

  10. BJM,
    Yeah, I’ve noticed that. I’m an idiot and I don’t know how to fix it. Any suggestions?

    Comment by Rusty — April 10, 2009 @ 10:32 am

  11. Can’t fool me, Jack. I know you’re a “Mormon in sheep’s clothing” in sheep’s clothing.

    Comment by Tom — April 10, 2009 @ 10:41 am

  12. Tom ~ Can’t fool me, Jack. I know you’re a “Mormon in sheep’s clothing” in sheep’s clothing.

    Oh great, now Nine Moons is outing me? I have no friends. :(

    Rusty ~ It’s perplexing. My knowledge of HTML and CSS is basic, but as far as I can tell your sidebar coding is exactly the same for the main page as it is for individual blog posts, so it should work. How is your admin set up for managing the side-bar? Do you use widgets or do you have to manually code it?

    The widgets that control the sidebar at my site sometimes bug out for no reason I can see after I make minor edits to links. Usually just re-saving and re-loading them fixes it.

    Comment by Bridget Jack Meyers — April 10, 2009 @ 11:05 am

  13. Sidebar works fine for my, Firefox on my mac.

    Comment by Ben — April 10, 2009 @ 11:32 am

  14. Spot on post. And the sidebar works fine for me as well in Firefox.

    Comment by jjohnsen — April 10, 2009 @ 12:24 pm

  15. SETH: Rusty, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with evangelical babes all day.

    This is actually truer than you know.

    Comment by Seth R. — April 10, 2009 @ 12:32 pm

  16. You guys crack me up!

    P.S. The sidebar is all wacky for me all the time. But I deal.

    Comment by cheryl — April 10, 2009 @ 1:17 pm

  17. Love it.

    Comment by Ardis Parshall — April 10, 2009 @ 2:22 pm

  18. This made Good Friday into Great Friday.

    Comment by Ben Pratt — April 10, 2009 @ 3:44 pm

  19. traitor.

    Comment by CJ Douglass — April 10, 2009 @ 4:16 pm

  20. Fabulous.

    Comment by ESO — April 10, 2009 @ 5:31 pm

  21. Tom: I understand that Mormon Mommy Blogs has extended you an invitation that you have accepted, in view of the ear-splitting silence from BCC and FMH. Good luck, brother, and please stay in touch. As your first post over there, maybe you can explain how you know the precise size of Connor Boyack’s weiner.

    Comment by MCQ — April 10, 2009 @ 5:33 pm

  22. Brilliant and thanks, I needed a good laugh tonight.

    Comment by JA Benson — April 10, 2009 @ 7:06 pm

  23. A post not to be rivaled….

    Comment by BrianJ — April 10, 2009 @ 9:04 pm

  24. Wow! I’m flattered to be mentioned as if I were a permablogger and in a totally accurate way, too.

    Comment by bret — April 11, 2009 @ 8:24 pm

  25. and somehow I feel less guilty enjoying the fake backchannel than the real one.

    Comment by Johnna — April 12, 2009 @ 11:31 pm

  26. I’m sorry?

    Comment by lamonte — April 13, 2009 @ 7:56 am

  27. MCQ, I found out from Evans.

    Bret, most of us are only semi-permabloggers, which is why Nine Moons is so charming. It’s the blog of people who don’t like blogging.

    Lamonte, you’re a nice guy so I figured you’d feel bad for disappointing Rusty.

    Comment by Tom — April 13, 2009 @ 8:49 am

  28. Tom,

    I’m touched that you can claim I’m a nice guy based on the things I’ve written, since that’s the only thing you know about me. And my responce was just a weak attempt to play along with your entertaining post.

    But actually that “nice guy” label has been a curse of mine forever. My children might disagree with it but most of the people I work with say the same things and sometimes that just doesn’t work for me. Sometimes I wish I was known as an SOB. I could do my job better if that was the case. But I appreciate your recognition.

    You’ll never be on my blacklist!

    Comment by lamonte — April 13, 2009 @ 10:39 am

  29. I have wondered about you, Lamonte. I was driving around the D.C. beltway once and I saw a car with a vanity license plate that read “Lamonte,” which is something only an SOB would have. I doubted it was you since you don’t seem to be an SOB, but if it is you, you can rest assured that I think you’re an SOB.

    Comment by Tom — April 13, 2009 @ 10:58 am

  30. Tom – I’m not the “Lamonte” on the beltway but look for a 10-year old Jetta with a “Vandals” license plate frame (Idaho Vandals – my alma mater). That’s me and you CAN find me on the beltway from time to time but usually I’m a slug line user (see Slug-lines.com).

    Comment by lamonte — April 13, 2009 @ 12:36 pm

  31. Dork.

    Comment by Susan M — April 13, 2009 @ 4:22 pm

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